You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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