If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
