I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
