If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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