Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
