I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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