My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
