I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
