So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
