i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Even my vagina gasped.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
