my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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