Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize