So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
