I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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