I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
