Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
