would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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