ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
