My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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