the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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