oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
