so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
