direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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