At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
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So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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