Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
