WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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