dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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