I heard we made out
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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