Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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