roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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