This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
