Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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