I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Randomize
