Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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