six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
