I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
How external is "for external use only"?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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