I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
