The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
