I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Randomize
