I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
