Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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