im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
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I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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