the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
