You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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