It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
