At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
