Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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