Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
