I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When are your genitals available?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
