He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
A+ Viking dick
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
