Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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