i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
