you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
