i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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