He uses pillows to masturbate.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
