There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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